I write this post following a rough week of anxiety and frustration. I write this knowing that I am going to have a rough couple of weeks ahead. I write this knowing that despite complications my Psychiatrist is doing everything he can. I write this so people know and understand what I am going through. I write this to normalise the conversation. I write this as I am sitting here scared that I will lose myself.

My week was filled with the feeling of either complete fear, or feeling like I was going to cry for days. I didn’t known which one was appropriate, or which direction I was going to go. I felt crippled. I felt that every time I had to make a decision, do something, complete a task I was doubting myself. I felt like I had to confirm exits and have a strategy to leave every situation and location. I also felt that I was completing a combat analysis on everybody and identifying the most likely threat, and how to deal with it. It was exhausting to say the least.

I returned to the Psychiatrist, at their request, on Saturday to discuss some of my life in more detail. We talked about my school years and the bullying. We talked about my work life, in particular a traumatic workplace I worked in. And we spoke about my relationship with my Son, who is my wife’s from her first marriage. It was an emotionally charged conversation, not difficult, just charged. I have the sneaking suspicion that this particular conversation will not be the last time I talk about those three things. We talked about the way forward, mainly revolving around medication, which they want to change given it isn’t working. They upped my Risperadone from twice a day to three, and if needed, four times per day. We discussed the possibility of changing the Lexapro to Fluoxetine but we will see what happens there. They also raised the question about being voluntarily admitted to the ward. I answered with, If I ever felt unsafe at home I would, otherwise I would question the merit of the admission. The psychiatrist agreed with me and left it alone.

I am scared.

I am scared I will lose myself in my own mind. That my thoughts will not be my own again. I am scared I will not get better. I am scared that I will feel unsafe one day. I am scared it will impact on my family. I am scared it will impact on my friends and social circle.

I am scared.

I never want anyone to feel alone, I know I am not alone. I know I can go to a number of places any time I feel unsafe or anxious, and without any prior warning those people will let me just be with them. I also know those same people will give me the space I need if I ask. Not everyone has that. I encourage everyone who reads this post to share this story with someone who may be struggling and just let them know they can stop in, have a chat, call, text or otherwise rely on you, any time day or night.

I am already anxious about what the week will bring, I will share it next week.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

9 thoughts on “Complications

  1. It sounds like you have had a hard week and I pray that in the weeks that follow that you have strength to push through this season. Relationships are constantly changing and evolving, your family and your friends are aware of your mental health and though some may not fully sympathise or empathise with you and where you are at mentally, you have put a voice to what you are feeling and are expressing yourself very clearly and openly on the somewhat crippling grasp that anxiety and depression can have on a person.

    I know we each experience things differently and our own mental health and the battles we may face can vary in the extreme. I have felt and experienced some of what you are going through, (the being scared and finding exit routes, worrying about friendships and family and, self) you have taken steps to as much as you can, include your family and friends in your battle, you have sought professional medical help and you have a plan. You have done more than most would have in this situation (myself included). Some thoughts I have on mental health recovery is that though we can have all the support in the world, it is a journey that is predominately walked alone with oneself. Its when the burden becomes too much to bear that we need to look to our support networks for encouragement, love and support.

    Shaun and I are to support you and family, please let us know if there is anything we can do help.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Swixal. You are correct that most of the walking is done by oneself, the only splice in this fact is there are friends and family lining the road along the way.

      I hope you find peace in your journey also.


  2. Thank you for sharing your experience. If there is anything I can do, please let me know. Stay strong, believe in your ability to recover from your illness. Maintain the rage. X


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