When reflecting over the week that has been it has certainly had its ups and down. I crammed for my final A&P exam, I was a nervous wreck for weeks leading up to said exam, I featured in my local paper, I started journalling again, I still have this headache I can’t seem to shake, I started looking into investment properties with my wife, and I got away with a check up with the Psychiatrist without a medication change. This week has been hectic, in both the amount going on and the severity of the emotional drain. My week can be summed up with Shake (mainly caused by anxiety), Rattle (from the medication), and Roll (because I just have to Roll with it).
The background level of anxiety has taken a noticeable upwards trend over the past week. I thought it centred around the exam and the unknown surrounding it, but ever since its completion I still find myself on edge and shaking like a leaf. This is of greater concern as I and the psychiatrist thought we had the anxiety under control. Apparently we were wrong. The anxiety I find manifests itself mostly with a several activities;
- Anything involving fine detail, like threading a needle, or removing sutures
- Anything outside of my control that I have to endure, like the exam
- Anything where I know that the choices I make could negatively impact on the opinion others have of me
- Randomly and for no good reason
Even as I am writing this blog, I can barely stop my hands from shaking, my heart racing, and I can barely stop the urge to simply close the laptop lid and walk away. I wish that I could control my anxiety better. What I have been doing of late is trying to avoid the activities that would generally cause the anxiety to rear its ugly head. But that doesn’t work for exams, procedures at work, or blog writing.
If anyone out there in Internet-Land has any suggestions I am all ears.
My daily medication regime is in no way over the top, unnecessary, or the largest I have seen. I work in a hospital, I have seen some fairly full on regimes. However, my morning count is currently; two paracetamol, one sertraline, and one multi-vitamin. During the day I could take up to another six paracetamol for the headaches, then at night its three lithium and two mirtazapine, sometimes with two paracetamol for bed. This isn’t a lot, but considering six months ago the only tablet I took regularly was the multi-vitamin, it is a marked increase.
Now, I am going to add here that I am still a firm advocate for the medication regime to be a full on or heavy as is required for a person to be functional within themselves. I do not condone the act of polypharmacy, that just laziness disguised as medicine. But I do condone prescriptions when the need arises. I am also a strong advocate for asking questions, refusing medications, and requesting other choices. Just as long as those choices only effect you.
Given the week’s tendency towards the ridiculous, I am not surprised that I ended up with Roll with It as my mantra. As with all things during my walk with Depression and Anxiety, Nursing School, Nursing, Fatherhood, and everything else in my life, I tend to do all of them 100%, except donating blood. I still Maintain My Rage, with bon fires, friends, family, fishing, and fun. But when you stand on the shores of life and cop wave, after wave, after wave, you just have to keep rolling with it. There is always going to be something on the horizon that will slap you in the face. You just have to Maintain your Rage and roll.
This week may have been tumultuous but there were a lot of good things as well; the local paper bit, the completion of my exam, work has been awesome this week, I am on course for IV Medications, I have had some great family time, I have actually seen my friends, and I still get to Blog. Life is pretty sweet.
Maintain the Rage