In recent weeks I have been endeavouring to be more motivated, I have endeavoured to achieve more, I have endeavoured to complete tasks that have been on my mind for a while. I have tried to accomplish a lot of these and failed at most.
As most of you will be aware, and for those who have not I suggest reading through my Mental Health category of posts, I have been struggling with motivation and achieving the things I used to be able to achieve. I have been attempting to make a conscious effort in do these things. I have been making lists, I have been identifying small tasks that add up to a larger completed task, I have tried to place myself in the right mindset, and I have tried to be my own cheer squad. To some degree these things have worked, I have managed to complete some tasks, I have planned the backyard with my wife, I have organised the back deck to be completed, I have planted some new trees in the front yard, and I have finally weeded the front garden with help from wife. I have also begun house hunting for an investment property, or conversely a larger house for ourselves with our current residence becoming the rental. But in a lot of other ways I have failed, this post for example is over 30 hours late, I still haven’t sorted our study for next semester, I still haven’t completed my online quiz for the short course I took weeks ago, I still haven’t patched the walls where there are cracks, I still haven’t cleaned the current patio area, I still haven’t achieved a lot of jobs that I need to and want to get done. So in that regard I have failed.
I have also failed myself. I have not been self caring as much as I should be, I have not been as forthright with my work schedule as I should be, and I am not having as much down time as I should be. In all these things I am self sabotaging my own wellbeing, I am falling into old habits and I don’t know how to change them. I want to take more time to relax and unwind with my family but I feel guilty about doing so, I then get anxious I begin to spin the plate with how much is left outstanding and I seem unable to change my own thought processes. Sleep is becoming more difficult again, with my mind wandering or racing for hours after getting home, then either waking up early or sleeping in too much (which then adds to the guilt of wasting the day). I am stuck between the Rock of Achievement and Wall of Self Care. I know I need to achieve both, but can’t seem to correctly balance either. I have achieve some small things, I finally sorted out, cut up, and stored the firewood pile (a job that took just over a year), and I then subsequently took some recharge time and burnt some of said woodpile. I am trying to balance life, but seem to be coming up short.
This week is not helping my balance, I am currently on day seven of eight, with one day off on Thursday and then another five in a row. I have organised two nights (on my days off) for friends to come over, eat, and sit around the fire, this will be a great unwind that I am actually looking forward to. I now just have to not make it a task by over complicating an otherwise simple evening.
I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. I feel some days that my awesome is a little lower than others, and thats OK. Each day I just refocus, try and take control and Maintain my Rage. I take pleasure in the small victories, and vainly attempt to not beat myself up too much over the losses.
Maintain the Rage