Most weeks have their ups and downs, most have lessons to be learnt and things to take away, most have happy memories and troubling memories. This week was no different. I have found a new well of motivation, and I have been drawing upon it to achieve things around the house, work my shifts, spend time with the family and try and squeeze in some self care. But not everything goes as planned.
This week I organised the contraction of a concrete deck off the rear of the house, it was a job I wanted to get done nearly 12 months ago. While the job was being completed by our concreter I supervised, made changes and approved design elements as the day went on, and juggled the payments. A subsequent job that came out of the construction was filling in a crusher dust slab out the front of the garage to park trailers or vehicles on. The extra crusher dust was left over from the slab and all that needed to be done was to level it out. Which sounded way easier in my head than it was. Several hours later the job was done and I was filled with joy as I tickled the part of my brain that likes to achieve things. I needed that day on a high.
The time with family has been great. I have managed to spend time with the younger girls, spend time with my wife, and even see my boy between his shifts and mine. All round the week has been good for family moments. I has been especially good to have my family help with the jobs that need doing, like raking out the crusher dust, or preparing meals, or simply cleaning the house. Though these activities aren’t necessarily fun or entertaining it is quality time together, and thats important. Thi week, out of the blue, I was even invited by my Mother to donate blood. This is the same woman who used to faint on us, when she would take my brother and I for immunisations. It was a nice afternoon to share something that I enjoy doing with my Mother, and it was especially gratifying to see my Mother overcome her fears. A great day that had me feeling on top of the world.
Work itself has been good. I have been doing a large amount of shifts in a row with little time between, but I have been coping. On shift a couple of days ago was particularly hectic, and seemed to simply go by in blur. The next day I received a phone call from my NUM detailing an incident that had occurred with one of my patients. Without divulging too many details, I had neglected to check a patients BGL prior to the administration of a long acting insulin and she subsequently had a hypoglycaemic episode that lasted most of the evening. I was gutted. I could not believe that I could make such a silly mistake. I took it hard. The next three shifts I was doubting everything. The time between I kept thinking about how it could have been worse, I kept thinking about hoe much of an idiot I was. I was low. I began to feel like I should just give it up. That I am not good enough to be a Nurse and that I should save everyone else the trouble and just quit. I thought that if I am so incapable of doing this job, then maybe I should end it all. For the first time in over a month I had serious thoughts about Suicide.
As I always do, I shared with my wife. She was both shocked and concerned that we had gone back to this point. I still feel anxious regarding the mistake. I still feel low in myself that I could be so neglectful in my care. I feel useless and idiotic. I have to keep reminding myself that I am capable, despite the error, that I do know what I doing. I have to remind myself that there are speed bumps in the road and they aren’t indeed road blocks.
I remain low. I remain despondent. I know I will be fine. I am taking steps to self care and break the cycle of thought. I am not succeeding very well.
Maintain The Rage