Continuing Struggle


I would love to say that I was coasting along, achieving things and kicking goals, staying motivated, keeping everything under control. But I would be lying. Though I have achieved a lot this week, mainly around the house, I have been riding some wave of energy that I know is slowing down and beginning to break. I know that my Psychiatrist can only adjust medications so much before he has to wean me off one, and start me on another. Which just creates weeks of pain. I may not be doing well, but I am surviving, and that’s a start.

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I have taken time to centre myself and spend time with family. I have entertained people on the newly constructed deck, and subsequently burnt a pile of wood in the interest of staying warm and staring into the dancing glow. I also took the time to go to the range with my brother and son. I find the time at the range to be soothing, as some people find meditation or yoga, and for many of the same reasons. At the range you are required to have controlled breathing, often placing shots at the bottom of an exhale, you actively try and reduce your heart rate and blood pressure to limit those forces on your shot, and you try and repeat the process numerous times over the course of a session. I have never walked away from the range angry, upset, or defeated. I always leave feeling refreshed, excited, and centred.

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I have been so busy, or absent minded over the past several years, that I have never stopped to enjoy something for its mere existence. On Friday I actually took the time to do just that. I was outside on the deck and the clouds were passing by, I took a cushion off one of the chairs and just laid there watching them go by. There was no ulterior thought about weather, or what I had to do later that day, just the simple act of watching them go by. It was nice to take a small moment in the day. It is something I haven’t done in a long while, in fact I can’t remember the last time I did. It was so nice to have the time to simply lay down and watch the world go by. I think this may have to become a regular activity.

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I spoke of riding the wave of energy that I have currently. Anyone who has read my blogs from last year would know what I am talking about, if you don’t I suggest you duck over and read up. I have had the same feeling of energy that I had last year. I know now that this can be dangerous and lead to burn out and a spiralling of my depression and anxiety, so I am trying to curb it with the aforementioned activities. But, I will say that I have kicked some goals. Along with the new deck and landing at the front of the garage, I have also constructed some garden beds (with the help of my Mum an Dad) for our back yard and installed a gate for easy access.  The next step, which is probably the hardest will be to fill them up with dirt and plants. I am looking forward to the day when my backyard if full of greenery and life, especially since it will be all edible life.

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My weeks are getting busy again, I am coping OK with the pace, and I am endeavouring to keep up my self care. I had an exceptionally low week last week, enough to spur action from my Psychiatrist, but I do feel better this week, or at least in part. I am still struggling with thoughts, both negative and suicidal, I am struggling with maintaining a civil mood and not simply retreating into myself or exploding outward, I am still struggling to complete some tasks and chores. I am struggling, but I am sick not weak, and as such I know I can pull through. I don’t like to say that I am suffering from mental illness, I prefer to say living with. Knowing the community that exists around Maintain the Rage has helped me continue on my journey, writing these posts helps me process my week and really sort out my thoughts, and hearing from all of you helps me know that I am loved and supported, and that means a lot.

Maintain The Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

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