As you all painfully aware, mainly because I don’t hide anything, I have an exceptionally full plate. I work full time shift work as a Nurse, study for my Bachelor Full Time, am a Father to my three children, Husband to my Wife, Chair of the Diploma of Nursing Society, Assistant Group Leader of one of the local Scout Groups, and somewhere find time to stop and recharge. This has meant that I am very time poor most of the time and I cut corners to make things work. Unfortunately you can only run like this for so long before you start Running on Empty.
In the past week I have spent time invested in some portion of the aforementioned activities. I had work as normal, three days of Residential School, an assessment, a Badging Ceremony to organise, scheduling for Scouts, mentoring other students, being a dad and husband, and sleeping sometimes. For those who follow my twitter already know, I was originally rostered on two night shift at the same time my residential school was planned. This meant that I would be awake for about 64 of the 72 hours of residential school. Thankfully my Nurse Unit Manager was awesome and noticed what was going on and cancelled my second night duty. It made the Res School so much more enjoyable, and I got so much more out of it. I am constantly appreciative of the hard work of those around me. I have been encouraged to speak up when I am in situations like this one so that I can self care. I suppose I still carry a lot of the Navy’s Adapt and Overcome mentality that I tend to just deal with the hand I am dealt, forgetting that I am in the real world now and I can actually ask for help…. and I’ll likely get it.
In addition to asking for the help, managing my time, and cutting back, I am endeavouring to actually stop, relax, and simply exist from time to time. Thankfully, again due to the wonderful people around me, I had that opportunity on the weekend. A good friend of mine, you know who you are, invited the family and I over for dinner and fire. And I can’t say no to a fire. It was a great night of just chilling, shooting the breeze, and having a couple of quiet ones in front of the fire. It nights like that where I can top my tank back up again. It is no where near full, if only to dull the warning light long enough that I don’t have to worry any more, but it is helpful.
Emotionally things aren’t as positive. I am still struggling with motivation, even the simple act of dragging myself out of bed can be exhausting. My mood is still low, with spikes of amusement or cheer, normally involving my children or friends. My thoughts are still negatively driven, the self talk is getting worse despite efforts to change, and the ideations continue, though no plan or intent at this point. I wonder if the medication is working effectively, or if the depression is just in a low cycle, or if I am not doing enough? But these thoughts I know are not conducive to recovery. If I continue to dwell or cycle through the what if’s then I will always wind up thinking negatively. My Mum reminds me to think positively and focus on the good things that are in my life, and I do, and sometimes being reminded to focus on whats right in front of you can be useful, but doesn’t always help. I guess I will just have to keep working at it.
For those following my twitter (#MaintainTheRage) you will have notice the continued work towards our garden and the life that has sprung forth. For those of you who haven’t, I have included the photos below. I am getting a little bit of joy out of seeing the fruits of my labour, and I think that will only grow as they are planted and sprout food, because you know food.
That’s basically the week that was, don’t forget to follow and subscribe to this page to receive updates, follow the hashtag #MaintainTheRage to see everything as it unfolds, and thank you for being a part of this community.
Maintain The Rage