A couple of weeks ago I wrote about my desire to “get my old brain back” and how I was despondent because it felt like everything I did was laborious or these things didn’t happen at all. I was also concerned that my drive to achieve things, my edge, the ‘A’ factor if you will, was some what lost. Well it seems I was running an old version of OS and it just took a little while to reboot, as this week saw a return to a slightly less manic, and more controlled version of my previous self.
The first instance where I noticed my thought process return to the efficient machine it once was, was during placement. I was at a new facility, with new staff, new processes, and a whole new way to do the same things I do every day as a nurse. By all rights this should have thrown me, taken a week to adjust, by the time I was comfortable it would be time to leave. However, this was not the case. I found myself falling into the groove of the workplace with relative ease, I worked with the staff as though I had been there for ages, the processes seemed almost natural, and I integrated within the first couple of days. It was nice to have the ability to be organised, sort out my workload, complete all that I was required and then have time to assist others. It was a giant relief to have the level of competence back that I was not sure would return.
I have also noticed an increase in my motivation at home. Darby has been the typical three year old and want to be with you, doing what you are doing, and generally being involved. For the past couple of months this has been a burden, a chore, or otherwise an inconvenience. However, the past couple of weeks has found a new patience that is willing to have Darby stir dinner, cut up vegetables, or otherwise help out where she can. I have been a far more useful husband, a better father, and softer individual. Most recently has seen a shift in the house. We have swapped our study and our eldest son’s rooms around. This was a major effort, that took all of us, and still took more than six hours to achieve. I feel great about my new found energy and drive, I just pray it hangs around.
Something that I have been avoiding, whether through apathy, or otherwise, has been my quiet time with God. It had been months since I actually stopped and prayed, or gave thanks for everything that I have, that I do, and that is done for me. I have also been avoiding reading my Bible, this stems from some kind of misplaced anger and resentment that the God who is supposed to love me and be there would allow me to go through all of this nonsense. The past couple of weeks I have come to the realisation that God has not put me through anything I could not handle, he has allowed me to suffer for the knowledge it has given me, the empathy it has generated, and the quieting it has provided. I now have the patience and persuasion to read everyday, pray everyday, and be thankful for everything that I have.
I am still on the road to recovery. I do feel that the reboot is nearly complete if not actually done. I am glad that I have not lost my edge and that I can continue to be me.
Maintain the Rage