Despite being as supported as I am, you know who all you are, being well medicated, having professional help, and generally doing infinitely better than 6 – 12 months ago, I still find that I am dragging the chain a little. Now, most people would say the I am just being too harsh on myself and I need to cut myself some slack, but I still feel that I am sometimes actively avoiding chores, activities, social events, and family moments. This cannot continue.
Let’s start with around the house. I am constantly reminded of my inaction with the forrest that has befallen my herb garden, and the terrible state of my vegetable gardens. I have had none of the motivation required to actually just sit in them and pull everything that isn’t edible out. I managed to gather the necessary energy to poison the Nutgrass that has conquered much of the garden, but even this has required follow up action that just hasn’t happened. I continue to come up with excuses as to why I can’t do it; it’s too hot, I just finished work, I’m busy doing something else, I’ll just wait till it’s cooler, I’ll do it later this afternoon, and the list continues. I would love to see my gardens be back to where they were. Unfortunately, this doesn’t just stop at gardening, I find it almost completely draining to look after the girls. Like all 1 & 3 year olds, they are exceptionally demanding, they are contradictory, they yell and scream and cry and then as if by the triggering of some self defence mechanism are completely adorable. I find myself just letting everyone else take care of the girls, even our eldest son sometimes, this isn’t the best but until I can stop dragging my chain on this one, it will have to do.
I want to prefix this paragraph by saying I love my job, I would never do anything, or fail to do anything, that would be a detriment to my or anyone else patients. However, my motivation to actually go to work is, at times, a little low. I find it difficult to get out of bed, I drag the chain the entire time I am getting ready, and even on the car trip to work my mind continues to come up with ways that I could not work that day. I do find though that once I am at work I am almost, energised. The lack of motivation could have been spurred by a run in with a couple of staff, it could be because the workplace is a little slow at present, whatever the reason I need to stop dragging my chain on this one.
Finally, I have been dragging my chain when it comes to Maintain The Rage. I have skipped weeks, struggled to write anything meaningful, constantly put off writing, and otherwise simply want to put this by the back burner. I know that’s no fair to the readers, it not what I want for this blog, it’s not what I want out of myself. There are many reasons behind this chain being dragged; it takes a large amount of energy and thought power to write a post and most days I just don’t want to put that kind of energy into anything, and from an ego stand point the readership has fallen from over 1500 a month to less than 500. Now I know a lot of you will say that 500 a month is still great, and others will say it’s not about the numbers, and to an extent they are right, but like the thank you after a job well done, a good reader count following a post is a nicety. I really do appreciate every single reader, and I love the interaction we can get with comments, personal messages, or emails and I don’t ever want that to stop.
So as you can see between my depression and decreased motivation I am dragging the chain in almost every facet of my life. I want to improve it, I want to take charge of every facet of my life and do all of the things that I want to do in it, I want the motivation I had when I started this blog over 18 months ago. I don’t know if I need more sleep, more prayer, more coffee, or some sort of combination of these and more, but whatever it is I hope I can stop dragging my chain before it becomes habit.
Maintain the Rage