There are many different things that people use to gauge their self worth. For some people if followers, for some it money, others it might be accolades. For me, it’s simply acknowledgment, whether it’s being quietly thanked for a job well done, or reads on a blog post, a lot of my self worth is tied up in the opinions and actions of others. This is leaving me downtrodden and despondent as I am not feeling any level of acknowledgment for almost anything I do. There are three main areas in which I base my self work; my work, my family, and my blog.
This isn’t to say that I am chasing accolades for doing my job, I do not celebrate mediocrity with my children, therefore I do not expect it for my self. What I am talking about it is the above and beyond moments. A recent example is being called into work early so I could work a 10 hour shift. I accepted it, as I need the money and knew for them to call me in early they needed the help. I completed my shift, which was both long and intense, and at the end of the shift the Nurse Unit Manager came up and thanked me for pulling a longer shift. That is all, a simple Thank You. I felt great, like I could do it all again right then and there. It warmed my heart and charged my spirit.
Conversely, in the past I have busted myself to ensure my work is finished, I have assisted the other two nurses on shift, filled in for the Wardsman in some of his duties, and nearly killed myself to be above reproach. Instead of any kind of small token of kindness, I was met with negativity and questioning why I did not complete one ancillary task. I felt down trodden, beaten up, like there was no point to doing all of the extra work. Now, I am not one to slack off, even if I have finished all of my work, I will ensure there is nothing I can do to help the others on my shift, or help to set up the next shift. That is just who I am. However, just because it is my normal status quo, it does not mean I do not appreciate the occasional thank you.
The other area which I am finding it profoundly difficult to increase my self worth is this blog. I write twice a week, share my opinions, my life, my struggles, and my world. I bear all, share all, and endeavour to be interesting. I endeavour to make sure that every post that comes out is the best that it can be. That it portrays the message I am trying to convey and meets the expectations of my readers. I am struggling with motivation when I keep seeing 30-40 readers a week for my posts. I struggle to keep writing when the readership is constantly reducing, not increasing, or even stay the same. It hits hard that people are disinterested in my work. I am always trying to write to stay interesting. My posts surrounding my mental health I had hoped would touch someone and encourage them to seek treatment, or even encourage them to start a conversation with someone. I don’t know what to do, and I am seeking help.
So now I write this post, thinking about the possibility that it will be read as a whinging post, or looking about people, or even fishing for compliments. This post is not supposed to be any of those things. It is supposed to bear all to you, the readers, that I base a third of my self worth on the readership and interactions with this blog. I hope that the message has been received appropriately, if not I am sorry.
Maintain the Rage