Through our day to day lives we reflect, review, argue, weigh up, decide, and posit over a myriad of different things. Sometimes this internalisation can be heard inside your head as an echo of your own voice. Some see this as the classic Devil vs Angel on the shoulder, or others as a respected figure they hold dear. Myself, I hear me echoed around in my head, this is sometimes drowned out by the noise around me, other thoughts, or otherwise. When I am reading it is the voice that reads the word, and even when I am writing, like right now, he is the one dictating what is to be written. This is Little Luke.
It should be stated that this discussion is not dealing with the psychosis of hearing voices, hearing instructions to do certain things, or the dehumanised detached ego of self. This is more the reflection on the voice that is you on the inside. I enjoy the fact that Little Luke reads my stories, it makes it feel more like I am a kid having a bedtime story read to me, even if it is complications surrounding acute kidney disease, or leadership principles and their applications. I am thankful that I hear the words that are being written onto the page before they are written. It gives you an odd pre-completion sanity check for the sentences, and the knowledge that what you are writing is heading somewhere. Sometimes Little Luke freezes up and forgets a word, mispronounces something and therefore spells it wrong, or get distracted by a thought, an idea, or a problem, and therefore has to be encouraged to come back on topic.
For some, the little voice we carry around is like Jiminey Cricket, our Official Conscience. They are our voice of reason, the sound person in your corner, the person who often tells you what would be the best course of action but you summarily ignore. Little Luke plays this role. He plays it as either the sounding board, or simply voicing what would be a sound idea, even if I end up ignoring it. Thankfully, these discussions don’t tend to become heated, Little Luke is not easily offended, and even if I have completely disregarded my Conscience, he will still be there to read me a story.
However, Little Luke is overly hash and judgemental. Small mistakes taken during the day will be dragged up for weeks. The negative self talk that comes from Little Luke does at times, have a huge impact on my mood and mental health for the day. He can berate me for days about my weight, my attitude, my choices at work, my habits, the way I spend my time, and even the fact that I listen to him. These words and the venom that comes with them is hard to escape. No amount of background noise, distractions, or changes in activity can silence Little Luke when he is on a tirade.
Is it worth keeping Little Luke around? Even if I had a way to purge my internal voice would I really want to? Would the benefits of less negativity outweigh the complete and utter silence that would follow? For all his faults, and subsequently mine, Little Luke does provide an invaluable service. I just need to kerb his behaviour a little more.
Maintain the Rage