Collapsing


This week I have been feeling the weight pushing down on me harder and harder. Every day seems like I have found a new way to disappoint myself and those around me. Little Luke seems to be becoming more and more negative, and that voice is getting louder and louder. The scary thing is I think I am starting to believe what he says. I think I am seeing myself as he sees me. I feel myself collapsing under the weight of it all.

The phrase “I am sick and tired of being sick and tired” seems to be my life’s motto;

  • I am sick of being in pain
  • I am sick of these headaches
  • I am sick of my sinuses
  • I am sick of my Brain
  • I am sick of being fat
  • I am sick of seeing the ugly person in the mirror
  • I am sick of walking around corners to hushed conversations
  • I am sick of this anchor I am dragging around
  • I am sick of the anxious feeling I get when I talk to somebody about it
  • I am sick of the perceived judgement that follows
  • I am sick of the way people treat me because of my depression
  • I am sick of the expectation I have of myself
  • I am sick of not meeting it
  • I am sick of being the only person people seem to rely on
  • I am sick of feeling like it would be easier if I was gone
  • I am sick of feeling like it would better if I was gone
  • I am sick of feeling like I should be gone

The daily struggle consumes more energy than I would like to and it is getting the better of me. Even as I write this entry I am holding back tears, feel defeated, feel like I just was to crawl into a hole and never come out. I feel like I just want to let everything collapse around me, and let it just end.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

8 thoughts on “Collapsing

  1. Thank you for sharing your inner monologue Luke. Your raw honesty about your pain and current mental state is eye opening. I am sure the pain, tears, anxiety and insecruties that come along with depression made this very hard for you to write. But I am glad you persevered and shared what is going on with you.
    Little Luke and your Brain seem to be doing their best to beat the “you” in yourself up. You are one of the strongest people I know and it hurts to see the pain you are in.
    You are loved and supported. You have a village of people that care about you and your family. Though the road to recovery is one that is long and one that you walk alone, you are surrounded by your cheerleaders. We will support you, be there for you, be that shoulder to cry on, be that crutch when things are too much, envelope you in big hugs that you feel in your soul.
    We are your cheerleaders, with you every step of the way

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Swixal. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the forest through trees. The internal voice seems to be getting stronger and darker. I am trying to distract myself with jobs, and tasks, but that doesn’t always work. I have my protective factors around me, which helps. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

      Maybe time will tell.

      Like

  2. Thank you for sharing your inner monologue Luke. Your raw honesty about your pain and current mental state is eye opening. I am sure the pain, tears, anxiety and insecruties that come along with depression made this very hard for you to write. But I am glad you persevered and shared what is going on with you.
    Little Luke and your Brain seem to be doing their best to beat the “you” in yourself up. You are one of the strongest people I know and it hurts to see the pain you are in.
    You are loved and supported. You have a village of people that care about you and your family. Though the road to recovery is one that is long and one that you walk alone, you are surrounded by your cheerleaders. We will support you, be there for you, be that shoulder to cry on, be that crutch when things are too much, envelope you in big hugs that you feel in your soul.
    We are your cheerleaders, with you every step of the way.

    Like

  3. Pingback: Decisions Made | Maintain The Rage

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