I have written a lot about different portions of my journey, whether; weight loss, depression, parenting, nursing, or other facets of my life. In almost all of these posts I am either striving to reach a particular point, or I am trying to stretch myself. The commonality between them, however, is the continued dissatisfaction with who I am, where I am at, or even how I am perceived. Now, I am not saying that we shouldn’t push ourselves to grow, or to improve, stagnation is the enemy. However, I am reaching a point in my life whereby I need to accept me for me, and not always looking at myself in a negative light.
Every day I endeavour to learn something new, or expand on something I thought I knew enough about. This extend from my family life, to nursing, to my hobbies, and everything in between. I enjoy being a perpetual learner. I enjoy putting into practice new ideas, and new thoughts. The toxic portion of this is the internal voice that says “You are not good enough”. When I apply this to my work, for example, I am constantly displeased with the level of knowledge that I have. I am always angry at myself for not knowing an answer, a treatment, a medication, or a diagnosis. Setting the bar as high as I have has made it unachievable. I will continue to learn over my career, which I hope is long and fruitful, but still have the idea that I am not good enough. I need to step back, acknowledge what I don’t know, and be thankful that I know what I know, be OK with Me being Me.
In my family life I take every disobedience, back chat, scream, yell, disapproving look, and other child like behaviour as a personal attack on my parenting. I think that I should have guided them better, taught them how to vocalise better, how to express their emotions. I feel that when I snap and loose my cool, or begin the dreaded count, that I have lost, and I am letting down my children. I know I need to not judge the behaviour of my children as a reflection of myself, at least not entirely, and I need to acknowledge that they are spirited free willed individuals who will do as they want, regardless of direction and correction. I need to remember that I am doing pretty well as a Dad, my kids aren’t dead, my eldest isn’t into drugs or drinking, and they all have some leaning towards God, I need to remember that I’m doing OK, and therefore I can just let Me be Me.
Outside of striving and self correction I still have a particular image I try to portray. This is the image I endeavour to project onto people as I meet them, work with them, chance encounter, or otherwise. This image of myself is confident, capable, knowledgable, funny, interesting, and a slew of other positive traits that I won’t bore you with. This image though is hard to maintain. There are days, and they feel more frequent these days, whereby the only thing I want to project is that I was able to put on pants this morning. Instead I have all of these rules in place to ensure that I continue to portray the aforementioned version of myself, like, no thongs, no stains, belts in belt loops, no tracksuits outside the house, some clothes are designated “home clothes” and therefore are never seen out of the home. These rules are great to ensure that I am presentable and well-groomed, but not necessary all the time. I need to be able to accept that I don’t need to force an image of myself, others need to accept me, just as I need to let Me be Me.
So whats the end result of this. I am sitting here acknowledging that I need to give myself a break and not have such ridiculous standards for myself, but at the same time I need to maintain these standards as they make me what and who I am. There needs, I feel, to be a measure of both. I need to able to relax and let go once in a while, but still maintain the highest standard in the things that matter the most.
Maintain the Rage