To All Major Organs, Muscle Groups, and Systems,
It’s not all my fault. I am of course referencing the letter in which you wrote to me a little over a fortnight ago. I think it is entirely unfair to lump all of the bad diet choices, demands, and ramifications squarely on my lap. I believe there needs to be some spreading of the blame, namely; the hormone and thought producing Brain, his evil counterpart Eyes, and those perpetually lazy lumps around bones called the Major Muscle Groups.
Firstly, the mastermind behind this whole endeavour, the main cause behind our binges, and most certainly behind the lack of motivation towards exercise. In the letter you wrote to me, I was blamed for the increase in sweet consumption. I am going to start out by saying I am just the end user of a long line actions in the sweet consumption. To start, brain begins with thoughts of either self gratification and the need for a treat, or the need to eat our emotions. Either or, the consumption is triggered by both sides of the same coin, so no matter which side it lands, SWEETS! So as the poor organ that has to digest and make the treasure trove of sweets into some kind of absorbable and useful goop, I simply ask to limit the intake to a more sensible amount.
Eyes, you have the wonderful power to trigger saliva, trigger the release of hormones, and even get me excited for the delicious feed in front of us. I do, however, have to ask that you remember my size and portion appropriately. Now I understand when we are all hungry and when it comes time to suss out the fridge it is your job to ascertain what we have and if it is sufficient for us. But in that period of rummaging please remember that I cannot, in fact, eat three wraps, a large serve of pasta, left over taco meat, 750ml of Iced Coffee, and a chocolate, without feeling like an over inflated balloon on the verge of either expelling all of my contents or simply exploding. If isn’t comfortable for me, and could be uncomfortable for many other systems too.
Now I am going to pick on the Major Muscle Groups, not because of their role in the overconsumption but because of the role they play in the burning of energy and the constant excuse generating pain you seem dead set on producing. Now, the burning of energy we realise isn’t entirely your prevue, Brain plays a large role in encouraging and spurring you on. However, when it comes to aches, pains, and other inconveniences you are nearly 100% to blame. I cannot sit at a chair without my feet being flat on the floor, otherwise sharp pain running up my shins, standing still for longer then 5 minutes causes back pain, and merely sleeping tends to either cause agony in my shoulder, numbness in my hand, or neck spasms. It would seem that I cannot perform even the simplest of tasks without pain. In order for us to burn energy we need to be able to work harder and get rid of some of these extra layers of fat.
I propose then that we stop blaming one another and start working together. We need to stop smashing sweets, need to stop filling me up so much, and we need to get off Arse and work out at some point in our lives. I’m not suggesting anything radical, just a couple of changes to extend the life expectancy of us all. Well that’s just my two cents anyway.
Maintain the Rage
The Stomach of Luke Sondergeld