So after a month of being off my medication, looking for a new Job since graduation, and hitting 2020 like an out of shape boxer, I thought it prudent to perform a little check in. This serves both to satisfy my own sanity and to let my readers know I’m not completely falling apart. I will use the DASS score to assess where I am at mentally, along with a set reflection as the DASS has its own limitations. I will also share about some of my struggles since coming off my medication and the strategies I have put in place.
So the measurable things first. DASS. I used the Das 42 to ascertain my levels of Anxiety, Depression, and Stress. Typically I score reasonably high on Anxiety and Depression, and despite not feeling stressed, I usually score some ridiculous number.
As you can see, my score being the darker colour and the normal being the lighter colour, the DASS has me sitting pretty well. Being on the higher end of normal for Stress is seriously the best score I have EVER had, I scored nearly 40 in one of the last ones I took. This test thinks I am doing pretty well, and I would have to agree. I haven’t felt true anxiety for quite a while due to medications, and I was worried that they would make a resurgence but even with the added anxiety and uncertainty around Job interviews and applications I have felt pretty good. My depression is mainly due to adjusting to life without medications again. What the DASS doesn’t show is the opposite emotions. I have felt more periods of absolute elation, hysteria (in a good way), happiness, and fancy free than I have in years. I have been openly laughing at movies, TV, people’s jokes, entertaining scenarios, and things that I would normally find amusing. I have also been experiencing the opposite too. I found myself in one afternoon laughing myself silly to Lilo and Stitch, and then nearly balling my eyes out at the end of a Bluey episode. These swings are becoming easier to manage, but I also welcome my full gambit of emotions back into the fold.
It hasn’t been all smooth sailing and laughter however. I have found myself more irritable than I have been in years. This has meant that, at times, loved ones around me have copped the brunt of it. I have had several… heated discussions… with my wife in the past month over my behaviour and mood, and rightly so. I know I am on a journey with my emotions and there are going to be speed bumps, but that does not give me licence to be a jack hole. Sleep has been a little hit a miss, I have returned to taking anywhere from 45 minutes to several hours to get to sleep, however once I am asleep I tend to stay there for a reasonable amount of time. I have tried putting strategies in place when sleep eludes me like reading a book, praying, leaving the room the get a drink, or something else that just changes the situation enough to give it a go again. So far it is working. Getting up in the morning is still a bit of a struggle, but I have never been a morning person, and whilst I was on the medication it was almost impossible to wake me up and get me moving unless the drugs had worn off enough. These things have been improving over the past weeks but will take more time, so stay posted.
Otherwise, things are travelling pretty well. I am a little disillusioned with the Job hunt thus far, but I remain confident the right job, at the right workplace is out there and I just have to find it or have it thrust upon me really. I am looking in places I would not have considered in the past, either because I thought that schools didn’t have nurses anymore or some workplaces didn’t employ them, I have also tried GP clinics which is something I wouldn’t have considered previously. It is interesting to see how many different facets of Nursing there really is, and I thought I knew most of them already. It is also refreshing, as someone who is constantly trying to improve the community between Nurses both within Rockhampton and outside of, it is good to know these opportunities exist, as it may be the perfect fit for someone else in the future. Again, I will keep everyone posted on the Job front.
Otherwise, everything continues to tick over. My wife goes back to work today, my Son in a week, the Girls have been back at daycare for a week which has given Wife and I plenty of time to get things done around the house, not necessarily achieved them, but time to do so. I truly look forward to what 2020 has to offer, and the brighter outlook I have off my medication.
Maintain the Rage