Wednesday Weigh In Eight

I am fat and lazy. I seem unable or unwilling to do anything about it. I attempted to diet on a VLCD and failed, I tried Shakes and failed, I’m eating sensibly with smaller portions and the right food, still FAT!

Goal = >100kg

Start = 144.5kg

Current = 145.0kg

Loss to Date = +0.5kg

Weight To Go = 45.1kg

As you can see I have come full circle in just 6 weeks. I’m sick of being fat, but I am also sick of fad diets, starving myself, and generally trying to fit into a mould that maybe I just don’t belong in. By the number I am healthy. BP is good, Heart Rate is goos, Bloods are great. I have no indication that my weight is having a negative impact on me. Except my self image and self esteem. But you know what, maybe I’m OK being a little chubby, makes me harder to kidnap. If we really are only here for one trip, maybe I should just enjoy what I want, when I want, and to hell with Social ideal of what I should look like.

I will be taking a sabbatical from the Wednesday Weigh In posts. This is both due to the negative mental state it is pushing me into, and because I still believe that any weight loss is not going to occur until I return to running around like a headless chook at work. But we will see.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just justifying the means.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

Wednesday Weigh In Seven

I am fat. I seem unable or unwilling to do anything about it. I attempted to diet on a VLCD and failed, I tried Shakes and failed, I’m eating sensibly with smaller portions and the right food, still FAT!

Goal = >100kg

Start = 144.5kg

Current = 144.3kg

Loss to Date = 0.2kg

Weight To Go = 44.4kg

FAT

FAT

As you can see I have come full circle in just 6 weeks. I’m sick of being fat, but I am also sick of fad diets, starving myself, and generally trying to fit into a mould that maybe I just don’t belong in. By the number I am healthy. BP is good, Heart Rate is goos, Bloods are great. I have no indication that my weight is having a negative impact on me. Except my self image and self esteem. But you know what, maybe I’m OK being a little chubby, makes me harder to kidnap. If we really are only here for one trip, maybe I should just enjoy what I want, when I want, and to hell with Social ideal of what I should look like.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just justifying the means.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

Wednesday Weigh In Six

For those astute readers out there you will notice that this post seems remarkably similar to my previous Weigh in day Wednesday Weigh Day. In that series I endeavoured to loose weight by reducing my daily intake of Kilojoules to 5000 per day. After 18 weeks of dieting I had lost roughly 16 kilos, but my depression decided to kick me in the guts and I began over eating, indulging in way too many sweets, and comfort eating almost every meal.

This week was a blow out. I ate take out too often, large starchy meals, and consumed milk and juice like it was water. This has seen the obvious increase in my weight this week. We are trying a different tack, when I can control myself, which is to eat food instead of shakes, but still try and keep the Kilojoules as low as possible.

Now for the scary part, the numbers and pictures:

Goal = >100kg

Start = 144.5kg

Current = 141.6kg

Loss to Date = 2.9kg

Weight To Go = 41.7kg

Wednesday Weigh In Six Front

Wednesday Weigh In Six Front

Wednesday Weigh In Six Side

Wednesday Weigh In Six Side

Not an overly flattering view, but this image, this ever-growing round mass that is my body, is the reason for the extreme weight loss measures that are in place. It is for my children, my future, my health that I need to lose the weight. And oddly enough, I need to do it for me. To improve my mental state, to improve my confidence, to improve my self worth. No longer do I want to be the fat guy at the table, the waste disposal unit, the guy that no one thinks much of because he obviously doesn’t think much of himself. I WILL lose the weight, I WILL keep it off, and I WILL be a healthier person for it.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

Wednesday Weigh In Five

For those astute readers out there you will notice that this post seems remarkably similar to my previous Weigh in day Wednesday Weigh Day. In that series I endeavoured to loose weight by reducing my daily intake of Kilojoules to 5000 per day. After 18 weeks of dieting I had lost roughly 16 kilos, but my depression decided to kick me in the guts and I began over eating, indulging in way too many sweets, and comfort eating almost every meal.

This week has seen more stagnation with my weight loss. This has put into question the reason why my Wife and I are serving ourselves with shakes, maybe we should return to a normal Calorie restricting diet.

Now for the scary part, the numbers and pictures:

Goal = >100kg

Start = 144.5kg

Current = 139.5kg

Loss to Date = 5.0kg

Weight To Go = 39.6kg

Wednesday Weigh In Five Front

Wednesday Weigh In Five Front

Wednesday Weigh In Five Side

Wednesday Weigh In Five Side

Not an overly flattering view, but this image, this ever-growing round mass that is my body, is the reason for the extreme weight loss measures that are in place. It is for my children, my future, my health that I need to lose the weight. And oddly enough, I need to do it for me. To improve my mental state, to improve my confidence, to improve my self worth. No longer do I want to be the fat guy at the table, the waste disposal unit, the guy that no one thinks much of because he obviously doesn’t think much of himself. I WILL lose the weight, I WILL keep it off, and I WILL be a healthier person for it.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

Reason to Write

As bloggers we all write for different reasons. Some write to have a message heard, some write to reach the masses, some to simply have their thoughts written down, and some (like me) write to reflect on their life and hope that the struggles they are going through are not selfdom alone. When I started Maintain the Rage in 2017, I never expected anyone to read my blog outside of family and friends. To this day I am still surprised by the fact that several hundred choose to visit my blog on a weekly basis. But I am left wondering, what is my reason to write in the future.

Blogging

Blogging

I do not think that my thoughts, reflections, and musings will stop being my main source of material. What we indeed all go through on a daily basis is the source of much material. I feel that these reflections either need to be more targeted or have a different focus. I have been reading other blogs of late on ‘How to Blog’ and the like, and most say to have a clearly defined voice, and subsequently a clearly defined target market. Sometimes I feel I am writing with a shotgun, so to speak. I write to so many different topics, with different views, and with different audiences that some days I wonder if I will ever find my niche.

Writing

Writing

My life, like so many others, is a coming together of all the small parts of our days. For me that generally consists of;

  • Parenting
  • Being a Husband
  • Nursing
  • Being a Friend
  • Scouts
  • Blogging
  • Being a Son
  • Being a Brother
  • Being a Mentor
  • Chairing Committees
  • Weight Loss
  • Depression
  • Anxiety

Thats a lot of different things to focus on. For me I write about what has occupied my week, or is currently occupying space in my Brain. This does mean that for the most part no two blog posts from week to week follow the same topic. Which means I am aiming at different groups, different parts of the internet. I have found this hard. I have found that my ability to share the message is not good enough. However, I am also unsure of how to fix it.

Blog

Blog

I will continue to write about my life. I will continue in the only style that feel natural to me. I will continue to share the message as best I can, and rely on others to fill the gap and share it to theirs. I hope you enjoy reading my posts and I hope you will continue to return, don’t hesitate to bring a friend.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

Wednesday Weigh In Four

For those astute readers out there you will notice that this post seems remarkably similar to my previous Weigh in day Wednesday Weigh Day. In that series I endeavoured to loose weight by reducing my daily intake of Kilojoules to 5000 per day. After 18 weeks of dieting I had lost roughly 16 kilos, but my depression decided to kick me in the guts and I began over eating, indulging in way too many sweets, and comfort eating almost every meal.

This week has seen a stagnation with my weight loss. This is most likely due to taking the weekend off whilst camping, and the continued use of sweets after dinner. It is evident that I will have to be more vigilant with what I shove in my mouth.

Now for the scary part, the numbers and pictures:

Goal = >100kg

Start = 144.5kg

Current = 139.5kg

Loss to Date = 5.0kg

Weight To Go = 39.6kg

Wednesday Weigh In Four Front

Wednesday Weigh In Four Front

Wednesday Weigh In Four Side

Wednesday Weigh In Four Side

Not an overly flattering view, but this image, this ever-growing round mass that is my body, is the reason for the extreme weight loss measures that are in place. It is for my children, my future, my health that I need to lose the weight. And oddly enough, I need to do it for me. To improve my mental state, to improve my confidence, to improve my self worth. No longer do I want to be the fat guy at the table, the waste disposal unit, the guy that no one thinks much of because he obviously doesn’t think much of himself. I WILL lose the weight, I WILL keep it off, and I WILL be a healthier person for it.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

Wednesday Weigh In Three

For those astute readers out there you will notice that this post seems remarkably similar to my previous Weigh in day Wednesday Weigh Day. In that series I endeavoured to loose weight by reducing my daily intake of Kilojoules to 5000 per day. After 18 weeks of dieting I had lost roughly 16 kilos, but my depression decided to kick me in the guts and I began over eating, indulging in way too many sweets, and comfort eating almost every meal.

The lowest I managed to reach on my diet during my last attempt was 116kg, I am aiming for less than 100kg. When I started this venture I was 144.5kg. I was a mere 5kg away from my heaviest weight back in 2008. In 2008 I managed to loose the 50kg to get below 100kg so that I could join the Navy. To get the ball rolling on this particular weight loss journey my wife and I are using Meal Replacement shakes and bars. Using the shakes and bars, with a yoghurt for Morning tea and fruit or nuts for Afternoon tea our intake up to that point is 2800kj. We then have a healthy dinner, with meals like beef laksa or steak and low carbThe  vegetable for example, and a frozen yogurt for dessert. Total kilojoule intake for the day was less than 5000kj.

I expected to be constantly hungry while using the shakes but so far its been pretty good. I think that because we are eating every couple of hours, and hydrating in between, your body doesn’t get a chance to really get hungry. I know a lot of readers will be thinking that Meal replacements are dangerous, unsustainable, and can cause massive yoyo weight loss and gain, but we need to kick start the dieting again, to help our mental state. As my wife and I approach our desired weight we will begin weaning off the replacements and onto a normal healthy diet, one that is enjoyable, sustainable, and healthy.

Now for the scary part, the numbers and pictures:

Goal = >100kg

Start = 144.5kg

Current = 139.5kg

Loss to Date = 5.0kg

Weight To Go = 39.6kg

Wednesday Weigh In Three Front

Wednesday Weigh In Three Front

Wednesday Weigh In Three Side

Wednesday Weigh In Three Side

Not an overly flattering view, but this image, this ever-growing round mass that is my body, is the reason for the extreme weight loss measures that are in place. It is for my children, my future, my health that I need to lose the weight. And oddly enough, I need to do it for me. To improve my mental state, to improve my confidence, to improve my self worth. No longer do I want to be the fat guy at the table, the waste disposal unit, the guy that no one thinks much of because he obviously doesn’t think much of himself. I WILL lose the weight, I WILL keep it off, and I WILL be a healthier person for it.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

Wednesday Weigh In Two

For those astute readers out there you will notice that this post seems remarkably similar to my previous Weigh in day Wednesday Weigh Day. In that series I endeavoured to loose weight by reducing my daily intake of Kilojoules to 5000 per day. After 18 weeks of dieting I had lost roughly 16 kilos, but my depression decided to kick me in the guts and I began over eating, indulging in way too many sweets, and comfort eating almost every meal.

The lowest I managed to reach on my diet during my last attempt was 116kg, I am aiming for less than 100kg. When I started this venture I was 144.5kg. I was a mere 5kg away from my heaviest weight back in 2008. In 2008 I managed to loose the 50kg to get below 100kg so that I could join the Navy. To get the ball rolling on this particular weight loss journey my wife and I are using Meal Replacement shakes and bars. Using the shakes and bars, with a yoghurt for Morning tea and fruit or nuts for Afternoon tea our intake up to that point is 2800kj. We then have a healthy dinner, with meals like beef laksa or steak and low carbThe  vegetable for example, and a frozen yogurt for dessert. Total kilojoule intake for the day was less than 5000kj.

I expected to be constantly hungry while using the shakes but so far its been pretty good. I think that because we are eating every couple of hours, and hydrating in between, your body doesn’t get a chance to really get hungry. I know a lot of readers will be thinking that Meal replacements are dangerous, unsustainable, and can cause massive yoyo weight loss and gain, but we need to kick start the dieting again, to help our mental state. As my wife and I approach our desired weight we will begin weaning off the replacements and onto a normal healthy diet, one that is enjoyable, sustainable, and healthy.

Now for the scary part, the numbers and pictures:

Goal = >100kg

Start = 144.5kg

Current = 138.1kg

Loss to Date = 6.4kg

Weight To Go = 38.2kg

Weigh In Two Front

Weigh In Two Front

Weigh In Two Side

Weigh In Two Side

Not an overly flattering view, but this image, this ever-growing round mass that is my body, is the reason for the extreme weight loss measures that are in place. It is for my children, my future, my health that I need to lose the weight. And oddly enough, I need to do it for me. To improve my mental state, to improve my confidence, to improve my self worth. No longer do I want to be the fat guy at the table, the waste disposal unit, the guy that no one thinks much of because he obviously doesn’t think much of himself. I WILL lose the weight, I WILL keep it off, and I WILL be a healthier person for it.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

Own Company

I have had the unfortunate issue of being at home away from work. I have an acute case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and can barely butter toast. It was therefore agreed that I stay home until it is remedied. So far we have done the conservative, today I am having a Cortisone injection, and we will see how everything unfolds from there. Anyway, as a result of all of this I am at home. While everyone is at work, school, or daycare. I have been completing small tasks as much as my wrist will allow. Unfortunately, most of the tasks I want to achieve require way more physical capacity than I currently have. This has left me with waaaaay to much time for my brain to go into overdrive, schemes and plans come out of said overactive brain some of which are probably best left as ideas, and too many hours to be wracked up on my favourite game Dragon Age: Inquisition.

Overactive Brain

Overactive Brain

Now as most of you who have been reading for a while now know, my Brain and I have a love/hate relationship. Though my brain is my superpower in many ways, when it is left alone with little stimulus or mental drain it tends to run different ideas, what if’s, and half truths. Most people, and probably a fair portion of the readers, who have depression and anxiety are well aware how crippling racing thoughts, what if’s, and half truths can be. It can take a considerable amount concentration and positive thoughts to bring you back around, if that even works. Normally, like me, you find the easiest way to avoid the negative headspace is to keep the brain active, and sometimes that involves getting off your backside and catching up with people. I know I find it hard most days, and if I don’t have things pre-planned then I will often make stories up that ensure I don’t have to leave the home. I suppose we all need to ensure we take positive steps to ensure the best possible headspace.

Anxious Mess

Anxious Mess

The positive that does come out of having an idle mind and therefore tons of free thought time is some other plans, schemes, and ideas that make their way out. Now, some of them, OK most of them, are pretty terrible ideas like opening my own business, moving interstate, having like 7 more children, and the list goes on. However, every now and again a good idea pops up. Currently the best idea that has graced my cerebral white matter is moving to a parcel of land of 50 acres or more, building the house we want, and selling the one we are in. Now there are a lot of pieces to this puzzle, not the least being finances, timeframes, and livestock. Now this idea is not beyond the realms of possibility, and the more I investigate the idea, the more plausible it becomes. This will still be a long term project; though who knows, everything may fall into place quicker than expected.

Property Search

Property Search

The large amount of time that I do have at home, when I have accomplished all that I can, I find myself spending a majority of it playing Drag Age: Inquisition. I fell in love with this game in 2015 when it was released and I am currently playing through it for the third time. The last time I played it through was during ECT, and subsequently I can’t remember any of it. So far, I am up to nearly 100 hours of game play for this run through, and I am no where near finishing. I enjoy the game, mostly, because of the story line and interactions between characters. I also really enjoy making the decisions that sway the game and actually impact of how the world around you looks or reacts. I am also playing through again in anticipation of the 2020 release of Dragon Age: The Dread Wolf, which follows on from Inquisition. I am no way a hardcore gamer, nor am I an elitist or competitive type, I am just a casual gamer, with way too much time on his hands.

Dragon Age: Inquisition

Dragon Age: Inquisition

And that has been my week. I have an interview for a Graduate Nursing position at the public hospital today, and of course that lovely injection I am sooo looking forward to. But both are for a good reason, and both are for my future. I will see how the next week shapes up, hopefully I will find more to keep me stimulated, or I’ll design my house, pick a block of and, sort out the finances and push the plan forward. Either way.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

Wednesday Weigh In One

For those astute readers out there you will notice that this post seems remarkably similar to my previous Weigh in day Wednesday Weigh Day. In that series I endeavoured to loose weight by reducing my daily intake of Kilojoules to 5000 per day. After 18 weeks of dieting I had lost roughly 16 kilos, but my depression decided to kick me in the guts and I began over eating, indulging in way too many sweets, and comfort eating almost every meal.

The lowest I managed to reach on my diet during my last attempt was 116kg, I am aiming for less than 100kg. Currently I am 144.5kg. I am a mere 5kg away from my heaviest weight back in 2008. In 2008 I managed to loose the 50kg to get below 100kg so that I could join the Navy. To get the ball rolling on this particular weight loss journey my wife and I are using Meal Replacement shakes and bars. Using the shakes and bars, with a yoghurt for Morning tea and fruit or nuts for Afternoon tea our intake up to that point is 2800kj. We then have a healthy dinner, last night was beef laksa for example, and a frozen yogurt for dessert. Total kilojoule intake for the day was less than 5000kj.

I expected to be constantly hungry while using the shakes but so far its been pretty good. I think that because we are eating every couple of hours, and hydrating in between, your body doesn’t get a chance to really get hungry. I know a lot of readers will be thinking that Meal replacements are dangerous, unsustainable, and can cause massive yoyo weight loss and gain, but we need to kick start the dieting again, to help our mental state. As my wife and I approach our desired weight we will begin weaning off the replacements and onto a normal healthy diet, one that is enjoyable, sustainable, and healthy.

Now for the scary part, the numbers and pictures:

Goal = >100kg

Current = 144.5kg

Loss to Date = 0kg

Weight To Go = 44.6kg

Week 1 Front

Week 1 Front

Week 1 Side

Week 1 Side

Not an overly flattering view, but this image, this ever-growing round mass that is my body, is the reason for the extreme weight loss measures that are in place. It is for my children, my future, my health that I need to lose the weight. And oddly enough, I need to do it for me. To improve my mental state, to improve my confidence, to improve my self worth. No longer do I want to be the fat guy at the table, the waste disposal unit, the guy that no one thinks much of because he obviously doesn’t think much of himself. I WILL lose the weight, I WILL keep it off, and I WILL be a healthier person for it.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

 

Dear Reader

Dear Reader,

Whether you are a long term subscriber, or happen to chance your way to this post, you will soon realise this is not a blog with a singular goal. It doesn’t inspire people to reach their goals, it doesn’t give hints on how to succeed, it rarely gives people a laugh, and it is not in any way a large scale influencer. What it is however, is very real, very open, and sometimes very raw look into the life of the author of this letter, Luke Sondergeld. You may not agree with everything he says, you may not like everything he says, but if you have found yourself here there is something for you.

images-2

Now you should know that Luke lives for his readers. He is checking in more times a day to see what his readership is doing, engaging with everyone that comments on social media, and on the blog, and loves hearing feedback from readers about what he has written. Does that mean he is fishing for the 1 million subscribers, No. If only one person reads his post for the week, but that one person is really and truly impacted, then he considers it a job done. He values every single person who comes across this blog. He values every comment and every share. He loves to interact with the readers, it is after all what gives him purpose.

images

The topics that are shared are very real at the time of writing. If you are reading a post from May about weight loss, that is because he was trying to loose weight in May, if you read posts from last year surrounding suicide and depression, that was the very real struggle that he was going through. Every week is a snapshot of what is going on in Luke’s head at that very moment. Even this letter. Luke is striving to engage with his audience more and more, so what better way to achieve this then by literally writing a letter to them. Some of the topics and conversations can be very raw, especially the ones surrounding his mental health. Take the time to read these posts, but don’t see them as a pity party, they are there to normalise an otherwise taboo subject.

scripts-handwritten-notes

Now that you are armed with the heart behind the posts it needs to be considered, what now? Well, for the most part, keep reading. Keep reading the posts as they come out. Take the time to go back and read the ones that you missed. Engage with the post, even if it was from two years ago, every comment gets a reply. If you get something from a post, or think of someone who will, don’t hesitate to share it, that share, may reach the one person who needs to read that post, hear that message, see that plight. In short, continue to Maintain your Rage.

Luke Sondergeld

Dear Stomach

Dear Stomach,

It has come to our attention that your desires, drive, and consumption are no longer taking into account the best interest of Body, and by virtue Brain. We have therefore decided to write to you today to cover a few concerns we have and how we may rectify these moving forward. We need to talk about your seemingly unending desire to consume everything that has a sugar content about 5%, your complete disregard for portion sizes, and the concerning nature of the food you choose to consume.

Back to the Start

Back to the Start

The unending desire for you to consume, chocolate, lollies, cake, custard, ice cream, and other sweet treats is nothing shy of unnerving. Prior to this year the consumption of sweet things was a rarity. In fact in recent history you even gave up all sweets for a whole year, drinks, food and all. Then, over the past 18 months you have decided that you will try your level best to force Body into a state of either sugar high, or crushing low. Brain feels that you are forcing Body to behave like a 5 year old without parental supervision. He admits it was fun at the beginning, but that was 30kg ago. Pancreas is in a constant state of shock, and I won’t even mention what Intestines said. We feels, as the collective organs, both vital and not, that the consumption of sugary treats should be exactly that, a treat, and not in fact, a daily occurrence.

We also need to talk about portion sizes. We have recently undertaken diets and meal plans that showed what proper portioning is, and how it is sustainable with a little effort. Even with this knowledge on board, you seem interested in only showing the rest of the world that you can consume not just your portion, but that of everyone else at the table. A large serve of root vegetables, a large sourdough roll, and 14 gyoza dumplings IS NOT ONE SERVE, that’s a meal for at least two, maybe even three. Also, half a bag of chocolate bullets, a litre of ice cream, and one and half litres of chocolate milk is also not a single serve dessert. Thats enough for four people. Even you felt sick after that one, and the pain seemed almost unbearable. Changing portion sizes back to one average adult will stop us from being one and half average adults stuck together. We all therefore request that you stop eating with Eyes and consider what we actually need. The other Organs and Muscles will notify you of the caloric requirements.

My View

My View

Let’s talk about food choices. Brain is aware of what good food choices are, and he has shared that information with you in the interest of stimulating you to make good food choices. However, you seemed set on choosing anything that is full of carbohydrates, fat, or sugar, sometimes even all three, see Bush Doughnuts. All things in moderation should be adopted as the governing idea behind your desire for food. For example, sweets are fine, choose a yoghurt, or a Bulla split, or even a piece of fruit (if you can remember what they are). You can have a small serve of carbohydrates, Muscles appreciates the carbs in moderation, the rest Body doesn’t appreciate it when you decide to eat 3 bowls of pasta then go looking for sweets. Leafy vegetables have been a request from Intestines for a while to help with their work, Skin and Brain are after good fats vs the trans fat you keep requesting, and Heart would appreciate the reduction in cholesterol. You can make good choices, you can have treats from time to time. Currently we have been running on treats all the time and behave and eat sensibly once a week, and it needs to stop.

Nourishment

Nourishment

While we have the opportunity we need to talk about the revenge pain you seem set on delivering. As you know you spent the better part of 10 years trying to escape through Diaphragm and occupy the same space as Oesophagus (Google Hiatus Hernia). To rectify this, Brain decided to engage a surgeon. We know that surgeon blocked your escape route, and tied a knot around your neck (Google Hiatus Hernia Repair and Nissen Fundoplication). This, however, does not give you the right to cause an unbelievable amount of pain in the upper chest, merely to remind everyone that you went through something traumatic. You don’t see Intestine causing pain every time he performs his duties in protest of loosing 12 inches of himself (Google Hemicolectomy, Stoma Creation). We understand that consuming any liquid in large enough volumes seems to satiate you, however we would appreciate this act of defiance to cease entirely.

We understand that this is a lot to take in, and we are requesting a lot from you. We also understand that even while writing this you are sending the signal to eat half a tub of ice cream with chocolate topping with a side of Berry Bliss lollies. We thank you in advance for taking action in regard to the aforementioned. If it is any consolation you are not being lumped with the entire blame for weight gain, Motivation and Effort are in the firing line too, and there needs to be a serious talk with Knees and Shoulders. Until then, we would appreciate the head start that only you can provide.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

Rough Patch

For those who have been following my journey through Depression and Anxiety, you will know that the trip has had many twists and turns, ups and downs. Well unfortunately I appear to be at one of the downs. The past couple of weeks has seen my motivation decline, mood slip, and overall my headspace to take a sharp turn towards the negative. So much so that my Psychologist left our routine session and made a time with my Psychiatrist for the end of our session. Made me feel awesome, huh?

I'm Fine

I’m Fine

I don’t know if it’s the end of University Semester, or the recent placement I had, or my brain just changing things up for a bit of excitement, but I hit a wall. A rather large wall. I had little to no energy to drag myself out of bed, I felt like last year were I was dragging a boat anchor around. I would go to bed early, rise late, and still feel as though I hadn’t slept a wink. I felt drained, I felt demotivated, I felt lousy. Something that was out of character for me, I was actively avoiding social situations. I was avoiding my friends, church, life group, family, everyone or anything that would drag me out of the house, or invade the hovel at home. I knew this wasn’t a good place to be but at the same time I couldn’t seem to shake it, or see the reason to actually do anything about it. I even ran into my Psychiatrist on placement when the decline started, but didn’t want to cause a fuss so just said “I’m Fine”. This was in no way going to help my situation, but it sure as heck made it worse. I slid further and further into the depressive phase, until I had my meeting with my Psychologist…. then things changed.

I'm OK

I’m OK

My headspace was in no way helping the situation. Other then feeling like I was swimming through molasses or dragging an anchor around, I had a little niggling voice at the back of my head. The voice started small and quiet, occasionally making a remark about what I was doing or calling me stupid or fat. This voice steadily got louder. Soon it would be commenting on my driving, what I was eating, things I said to patients, my weight, my clothes, my cooking, what I was watching, when I was doing things…. EVERYTHING! The voice was so loud and so constant it became impossible to ignore. Soon I started to listen. Maybe I am going to be fat forever, maybe I’m not good enough to be a Registered Nurse, maybe I am a lousy Husband, a Terrible Father, a horrible friend, an awful cook, a slovenly mess…… you get the picture. This just fed the aforementioned anchor problem.

Negative Self Talk

Negative Self Talk

Through all of this I am going to say I didn’t have suicide ideation like I had last year, and for that I am eternally grateful. I did however have thoughts of self harm, and toiled with the idea of different ways in which my life could be taken. Like whilst cutting vegetables with my exceptionally sharp knife, acknowledging the fact that the brachial artery was an easy target, or after refilling my script for Seroquel how peaceful it was be to just consume a whole box. I know to most these would seem like the start of a plan, or even intention, and if I hadn’t gone through last year I would have agreed with you. However, the power in which the thoughts carried, the lack of conviction, and the lack of desire to see them undertaken did not lend, to me, the idea that they were “proper” suicidal ideations.

Depression

Depression

However, after my Psychologist appointment, I did go and see my Psychiatrist. He was less than amused by what he heard. He was also less then amused that I didn’t say anything when we ran into each other. He was concerned that we were heading down the very slippery slope to where we were last year. So some changes to my medications where made. My Venlafaxine is now 300mg a day instead of 225mg, and my Quetiapine is now 600mg per day, instead of 450mg. I’m not overly excited about the prospect of the increase, but given the alternative, and where it could lead, I’ll take it.

I am going to call on the Maintain the Rage community, please keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and best wishes. I am doing OK, but not great. Because I am slowed, my wife shoulders the burden, which is not sustainable. Keep being awesome, and normalising the conversation. I’ll keep writing, as long as everyone else keeps reading, sharing, and motivating.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

2nd Year

Well I thought the First Year went by quickly, it seems as if I blinked and the second has disappeared. I thank everyone for coming on this journey through depression, weight loss, nursing, parenting, and life as a whole. It has meant so much to me that you have decided to come along for the ride.

Second Birthday

 

Firstly, the numbers. In the past twelve months I have written 67 posts, starting with Quoth the Raven and ending with this one. I have written about my success, my stumbles along the road, and the treatments I went through to save me from myself.  I began to share about my struggle with weight, and the steps taken to change the image that was in the mirror before me.  I explored more of my own struggle, ideas behind death and the nursing implications, what it is to father someone who is not your biological child, and a pictorial view of the town I love so much. From these posts, and many more, we can sum up the year with some key numbers;

  • 64,659 Words Total
  • 696 Words per Post (average)
  • 139 Comments
  • 348 Likes
  • 6,288 Views, of which the top five countries were
    1. Australia
    2. United States
    3. Canada
    4. United Kingdom
    5. New Zealand / India

These are just the figures from the Maintain The Rage website and do not account for comments, likes and shares from Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, or Reddit.

When I started Maintain the Rage I had the intention of sharing what I had learnt, my tips and tricks, and general advice. I quickly realised that I would immediately be thrown into the Do these five things if you want to be rich, successful, and sexy category. I shifted to sharing about my life, not in an attempt to illicit pity or praise, but to show that you can do all the things you want to do, to juggle the different activities, work, school, family, and life, to show that even if your are struggling, thats ok. I hope that this has been a well received shift and that I have made the right choice. But judging by the reads and conversations with people in comments, direct messaging, and face to face contact, I am going to say it was the right move.

For the future of Maintain the Rage I am going to stay the course, I will continue to share my journey as a Parent of both a 1 year old, a 3 year old, and a 16 year old, my life as a Nurse, my journey through life with my Wife, my Scouting life, and my struggles and successes with depression and anxiety, and the victories and struggles through weight loss.

I thank everyone of you who have come on this journey with my and hope you have enjoyed and taken away something from the posts. I encourage all of you to ask me what you want to hear about, and what part of my life you are curious about. I also encourage you to share this blog with family and friends, not for mere likes or views, but so we can expand the community that Maintain the Rage has and continue to share together.

Thank you again,

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld